(sorry, but I was missing writing in english :p)
I’ve been feeling I am now closing a specific cycle or phase in my life (must be a transit of some outer planet ;) ) that started in early 2010 and is now getting to an end. It was like going on a ride, where you go to visit new places, meet new people, experience new things, looking for more ideas, inspiration, and then return home.
When you return, you are not anymore what you used to be when you left. The trip changes you, makes you grow and develop new ways of thinking, of looking at the world, of learning with your own mistakes. But the return is inevitable… because I miss it. The best thing about having a memory, is that you can remember how good, inspiring and uplifting some moments of your life were. And if you can remember it, you can bring it to the present and make an effort to get to that state again.
I miss what I felt in early 2010. It was for sure one of the most confusing and the same time super-inspiring phases of my spiritual life. But this trip made me go “out” so much that I lost that strong connection. Now, for the past few weeks, there’s an incontrolable urge to get back to it…. because nothing can be compared to that feeling… of connection, acceptance, love, understanding…
The hard part of this, is that spiritual inspiration is way too strange to be discussed. Sometimes it works in a logical way, sometimes it just blows your mind with its irrational ways. One thing I always found to be true is, keep your sincerity, keep your willpower, keep your desire alive for getting “it”, for understanding “it”, for realizing “it”… because if you are sincere about it, there’s no way it can run away from you.
But of course, it’s hard. It’s a vicious cycle: the less you do of something, the less you feel like doing it. And this is SO true about spiritual practices… that’s way sometimes you just have to push it a little bit, do it without feeling, do it because you know its good for you… and next time you notice, it already did something inside you…
When my yoga students asked me about how to get discipline for doing meditation, I used to tell them one of my experiences when I first started about 7 years ago.
When I was initiated, I was told that I had to do my practice 2 times a day, no excuses. So I used to do it early in the morning before breakfast and then before dinner. Just a few days later, the “academic week” (means, party week) of my school started. It was a week during which I would leave my parents house at about 8am and return almost at midnight. I kept doing my meditation twice a day. But the 2nd one before going to bed, as during the day was impossible.
One day I arrived home at 2am, and was feeling very sleepy and tired. As I was brushing my teeth and getting ready to sleep my mind started telling me all the possible excuses for NOT doing meditation that night “you need to sleep, you are going to wake up early, if you dont rest tomorrow you dont wake up on time, then you dont do any proper meditation either way, better to skip now, its just once, bla bla bla”. What I did at that moment was something that would help me and serve as an example for many other occasions in my life. As my mind was telling me all the excuses, other part of my mind(which one, I dont know), just commanded my body to sit down in the usual place, cross my legs, close my eyes, and DO IT.
Today I woke up later than I wanted, and recalled this experience because my mind was again with excuses “need to go out fast, need to have breakfast, you can compensate later, bla bla bla”. So I just did the same thing, paid no attention to it (let it talk!), and went and sit down. Felt so good afterwards :)
In sanskrit we call spiritual practices “sadhana”. Translating, it means “an effort to complete”. I see it as an effort in two ways:
Internal effort – “completing” the spiritual path, the union of the individual consciousness with a higher consciousness.
External effort – of struggling with our own lack of motivation, obstacles and excuses for delaying our own spiritual development.
And that’s it, our path is always a struggle, but it’s the struggle that makes us stronger.
And as the discipline grows, the meditation deepens, the feelings expand… and I can almost guess where I’m heading to again…. and there’s nothing like it :)